well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
