The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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