Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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