The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
