One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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