we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
