onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize