girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So vagazzling was a success
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
