my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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