apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
50% drunk capacity currently
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
