His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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