I must be too annoying 4 u.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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