well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
