Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
