at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
