if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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