The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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