Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize