I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
