How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
