I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
