I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
