She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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