I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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