I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
