Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
