She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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