I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
