The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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