Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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