wakey wakey hands off snakey
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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