i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
