If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
i now understand why vodka
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize