I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
