you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
