I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
