My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
