Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
