How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
