When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
