I have demons in me.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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