OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
