apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
