I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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