I accidentally burped into my bong.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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