so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
