Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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