just tell him i said nine months
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
