everyone is single if you try hard enough
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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