Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
