PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
