he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
