When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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