I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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