they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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