Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
