the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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