just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I want her autograph on my taint
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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