wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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