i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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