Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
