I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
