i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
as a side note pls kill me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
