this boner is exhausting
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
In other news, I just burned my penis
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
