His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
